There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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