Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
