Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
