I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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