break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
