I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
