I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
