yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
