i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
