I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
