You smell like a Billy Joel song
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
