The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
