just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
