Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I queefed so loud it echoed.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
