Where is the hickey?
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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