My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
