dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
