SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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