Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
