Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
