I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
