so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
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