shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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