Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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