I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Randomize
