Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
you told grandpa to call you daddy
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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