my room smells like sperm. sweet.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
