My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
That accounts for only three of the penises
I want to be your penis for a week.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
