We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
