Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I'm always down for nudity.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
