i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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