I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
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