Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
