So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
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