did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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