Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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