im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
