Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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