I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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