I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Randomize
