9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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