Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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