Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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