I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
