why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
