I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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