meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
