Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
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