Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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