I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
