Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
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